


Fragments of Helios

by thecosmicfragments



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Crema, Cry with me, I WON'T TELL ANYBODY, It's Okay, Italy, Love Letters, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Mentions of love making, Miserable, Roma | Rome, TOMORROW IS GETING MARRIEDDD, becauseeeee, bordighera, he is out of his mind, i'm a bad person, oliver is desperate, on weed, tipsy, via santa maria dell'anima
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-24 02:10:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15620199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecosmicfragments/pseuds/thecosmicfragments
Summary: The letter which will probably never see a post mark.A letter that will probably never reach Milan.A letter that will probably never reach Elio's hands





	Fragments of Helios

**Author's Note:**

  * For [StarFromPhoenix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarFromPhoenix/gifts).



> I actually started working on this letter few weeks ago, then I pushed it aside as the idea for my first fic was popping through my mind.  
> And now here it is.  
> For you to enjoy and to get emotional with me.
> 
> A shoutout to StarFromPhoenix is mandatory as she's helping me not only with editing (non-native speaker here) but also being a big support for all the crazy shit I come up with. If you have not bookmarked her work, SHAME ON YOU! :)  
> You should really check those amazing fic out!!! YOU WON'T REGRET IT. :)
> 
> As usual, I'd like to suggest 2 pieces to go along with this, to help you set the mood I envisaged Oliver in.  
> \- Improvisation No. 15, Hommage à Edith Piaf by Francis Poulenc  
> \- Romanza from the Corazon Salvaje's Soundtrack
> 
> It is the Eve of his Wedding Day, he is a little tipsy and stoned.  
> His heart still aching for the italian Helios <3
> 
> what can I say? I am a sucker for all things romantic and dramatic :)  
> P.s. you might notice a little confusion of names. Sometimes Oliver addresses to Elio as Elio, other times with his own name. I felt it gave a better idea of the confusion and the longing that are going on in his mind. Let me know if you think it fits the mood.

_Oliver,_

_I am not sure I will send this to post, I don’t know if this letter, like our love, will ever see the light of the day._

_So here it goes: my heart and my soul bared on a white sheet of paper… in monochrome, just for you._

_Well, where to begin, my Helios?_

_Should I begin from the moment, when in Heaven, I caught the glimpse of gold in your eyes for the first time?_

_Was it then that I fell head over the heels for you?_

_Or maybe was it the first time we talked about Celan and I could barely get myself together._

_I couldn’t believe that this amazing human being was crossing my path and willing to share his most intimate thoughts with me._

_Was it then? Was it really?  
_

_Maybe not. Maybe it was that time in the piazzetta, when you pushed my boundaries and almost dragged me out of my shell, annihilated my walls and almost touched my bare soul, when you took the matter into those skilled hands of yours and spoke your truth so unabashedly and without any sense of shame or fear of rejection: you bewildered me and left me bare naked, my fear, pounding in my ears, just a sheer cover…like one of those summer light button downs that I so loved to wear in B._

_The truth is I can’t pin point the exact moment in which I fell for you, but I can tell you this: it didn’t feel like falling, on the contrary, my goose, your selfless love combined with mine lifted me above everything._

_I fell for you the same way you used to fall asleep in my arms: slowly, and then all at once._

_Strings of warm gold, of melted warm honey, the chamomile scent of your raven curls, of your most joyful laugh wrapping around my heart._

_That’s what you did._

_You enveloped my body, heart, soul, mind into a cashmere cocoon. Never letting go, tireless and unaware of all my fears, my second thoughts, my self-loathing and my what ifs; you held my heart close to yours, you purified my soul with the strays of sunshine coming from yours, planted in my chest the seed of lust, traded your body for mine._

_Your sighs, your moans, your whispered words and your breath next to my ear, in between our hot kisses: the only thing that seems to bring me comfort right now._

_I have become a master at this, Oliver, a master at conjuring the most vivid of our memories together, just to feel you close to me._

_Your fingers ever so gently grazing my lips, your teeth marking every inch of my body when we were caught up in the passion of our love making._

_The note of desperation in your voice, pleading and begging for more, never enough._

_The urgency in your most unexpected requests on our second last day in Rome: asking me to devour you, to take you, to tear you apart inside and out, your wish for me to ruin your body for everybody else._

_“Elio… Elio…Elio…Elio. Please, make love to me. Hard and deep. I want to still feel you there once I’m back in B.” you said to me, conscious of the fact that I had been making love to you throughout the night, stopping only to catch our breath in the post orgasmic bliss._

_In my defense I can only say that the moon was full and I was left unguarded, unguarded and drunk on your scent. Just don’t ever say you didn’t know._

_You killed me that night, you coaxed the few strings of life still in me with the sound of your moans, calling out the Lord and the fucks._

_I came back to life under your ministrations._

_I knew then as I know now, as I will always know: I will never be the same, Elio. Oliver. Elioelioliver._

_And this is what love does: it changes us, it challenges us._

_Should we keep away from falling in love just for fear of changing, of exposing ourselves?_

_No, my light._

_Remember the fragment from my book? The one about Heraclitus? Some things stay the same only by changing._

_Later that night, or better early morning, when I thought I had reached the limits of my love for you, you held my gaze, trapping me in your memory, stripping me of myself, of my believes, of my identity, of my name and your name, and said: “Oliver…promise me this is forever”_

_We both knew that the forever you were asking for was nothing like the trivial concept of time common to the rest of the world: time for us was never meant to be enough._

_Time was never lenient with us, a handful of days at our disposal when we were aching for eternity._

_Our little bubble suspended in time in B., when we were craving the domestic bliss._

_The tightness of your body slowly opening for me is my most cherished memory._

_Your spidery fingers holding on for dear life on my green button down during our last embrace, are like a mark._

_You marked me, branded me and then let me go._

_The lump in your throat when you called me by your name for the last time in Fiumicino, the everlasting pain in my chest._

_I remember everything._

_I will remember everything till my last day._

_You told me once that you were giving me every chance to put two and two together and come up with a bigger number than infinity._

_You wanted me to understand the depth of your desire, your feelings; you wanted me to uncover the treasures in your heart.  
_

_And here it is, Elio, my answer to your promise: some infinities are bigger than other infinities._

_There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set._

_I want more numbers than the ones I already got, and God, I want more numbers filled with Elio Perlman’s essence._

_But, Elio, my love, my heart, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world._

_You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and for that I'm grateful._

_Forever yours,_

_Elio. Oliver… Oliverelio_

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you're still with me...  
> Let me know if you'd like this letter to REALLY REACH MILAN!!!  
> As some of you might notice, I borrowed the last 3 sentences about infinity from the book "The fault in our stars"  
> The part instead of "Two and two together" is from Mr. Aciman's book:  
> "If he knew. If he only knew that I was giving him every chance to put two and two together and come up with a bigger number than infinity"
> 
> COMMENTS ARE MY LIFELINE. I WILL ANSWER BACK TO ALL OF YOU, SHOULD YOU ACCORD ME YOUR TIME!
> 
> HUGGSSSS FROM LA BELLA ITALIA! :) :)


End file.
